This is a guest post by Blake Bremer.
Two weeks ago a high level executive at Donut Co went public with company practices that he called “greed-driven deceit, actively harmful, and morally unbearable”. This exclusive report details what has been dubbed the “Big Donut Scandal” by many appalled investigators. The statement from the Donut Co executive is reprinted below.
“The Big Donut industry has been trying to get innocent children addicted to holey-circles of sugary death, commonly known as donuts. These innocent seeming pastries are secretly poisoning the American public, infecting the young and old alike with insidious addictive marketing and deceitful rhetoric. Scientists have been aware of the donut danger for years, but hush money, threats, and succesfully lobbying of the fatasses in Congress has kept this knowledge from being shared openly. Instead, advertising campaigns lauding the delicious taste and energy-dense benefits of these round, holey, confection creations have kept donuts in high esteem with consumers. I cannot express how dangerous donuts are and I simply cannot continue to work for Donut Co, knowing what I know now.”
Investigative reporter Kelly Jole was at the local QuikTrip earlier today interviewing citizens to understand their feelings on the breaking scandal.
When asked about the moral implications of peddling sugary death to innocent people, long time QT clerk Jack responded, “I feel terrible. I had no idea the donuts were so bad for people. I restocked the donut shelf every day. The blood of the people is on my hands. I don’t know how I will live with myself.”
That’s right Jack, you’re a monster. Kelly was also able to interview a regular patron named Ekalb who appeared unphased by the news that his favorite treat was slowly killing him.
“I knew. I knew the whole time, but I didn’t care. Have you ever tried one of these fuckers? It’s insane. It’s not fair. It’s better than sex. It’s better than cocaine. It’s better than sex while on cocaine,” Ekalb said, with frosting on his mouth, “but it has to stop. I can’t continue to be complicit in the consumption of this damning pastry.”
Many have been outspoken on Twitter, calling for a public lawsuit against the donut companies, citing their intentional misdirection of the American people. The lawmakers who’s pockets were once lined with sugar and Benjis by the Donuts Are Healthy lobbying group are now turning on their benefactors in an attempt to save face with the public. A Congressional investigation has been planned for the coming month to try and hunt down the executives of all the major donut corporations in a feeble attempt to bring them to justice.
We urge readers of this exclusive report to immediately discard any donuts you may have brought into your home. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted. We don’t yet know if donuts will be pulled off the shelves in America’s coffee shops, QTs, and bakeries, but it is certain that nobody should be spending their money on the sugary poison. Stay safe, America. Don’t eat donuts.